Monday, 24 March 2008
I wasn't sure if I wanted to rant about this. But then again, this is my blogsite. My Rants. So here goes.Last Monday was a crappy day, had to wake up late again. It is getting worse. The depression. I couldn't cast it aside anymore. As the days go by, as it gets to the date that it is supposed to be, I grew more and more restless. I couldn't sleep at night. Explains why I go to work later than usual. Just couldn't be bothered about work anymore. Life affects it. Personal life in the drain. Work is just work... Didn't bother to pray anymore too.. except on Fridays... afraid that I would just weep at the praying mat... Thank God that I bought CoD 4 : Modern Warfare. It is the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment. Kill or be killed...
Tuesday was a nightmare. Finally being able to focus on being an ATL, I did what I should do a year ago or so. Pointing out the work shortcomings of "friends" during meetings instead of keeping them in my clouds of smoke and paint a happy picture afterwards. Hope they accept it, work on it and reflect on it. God has been good to me... but I have not been good to him... Giving me such good people to work with; my new team... God bless every one of them... Slept at 3am. Tossing and turning on bed.. feeling miserable... did not want to cry.. maybe not yet.
Wednesday was albeit kind to myself. Nothing much happened at work. But not yet. Decided to give my best friend a call. We talked. Like the friends we are... I asked her, what is happening to me... She just gave the most greatest reply ever... "You need to close your eyes, look at yourself and tell yourself you are who you are, not what you are"... The conversation ended at 2am or so.. I thought I wanted to just say to her three words that I have never used for such a long time... But my sensible self butted in and tell me "Do not wreck something soo beautiful. Just carry on and let nature takes its course". The only consolation was that I helped my sister discover that her name was wrong in her nursing card. I closed my eyes. 3.30am on my clock. Dammit.. need to sleep... Bismikallah Humma Ahya Wa'ammut... last thing I remember, my vision was blurred. My eyes watery... God was kind... he put me to sleep in just a few seconds and return me back my life the next morning...
Thursday. Shit-tiest day of my life so far... Began with "WAT THE FUCK" instead of whispering out God's name...7.45am. He blasphemered me for the rest of the day, it seems... Get to work. MY transition not done. Felt lousy about it... starts to question the existence of such tasks... grumpy... Got a call from Ikea. They want to deliver the furniture earlier. WAT THE FUCK seems to be the word of the day... I told them to call back later as I checked who's at home. Sis was correcting other people's incompetency to read at the Singapore Nursing Board. The freeloader was there. But declined to answer any doorbells. WAT THE FUCK. Ikea man called again. I told them to stick to the actual timing of 2pm and 6pm. They said that they couldn't as there were other deliveries and that the first delivery was up north. WAT THE FUCK. WAT THE FUCK. Told them okay whatever... Then Transition shit happened again. WAT THE FUCK !!! Fuming, decided to throw it to the ever efficient leader... right after screwing sis up for not taking cab back home. Mistake of the century... let out everything to leader... rebuttal from her... fuming too... Scrolled back up to see what did I say. Dammit... few months ago kind of thing. Hah... bottled them up again lah Zaki... closes eyes, took a deep breath. I need a break from here.. get out of here... surprised at what I did next... apologised to her... took PTO... took cab to rush back home. Just in time to listen to some freeloading fucker bragged about his past glory shit or sumthing... Oh yes, they screwed up the table too... Rushed back home for nothing... Cab driver drove like Michael Knight on Super Pursuit Mode... could've hit a few bikes too.. Switched on the PC, felt shitty about everything. Apologised to her again. Things were said. Cannot take back easily.. Like leaving coffee mug on a coaster for so long. Coffee stains still there. Played abit of CoD4... Kill and kill... Screaming, shouting and cursing at every kill and death. On the verge of insanity...
Thursday night was the worst of all... Went to bed quite early... 11pm... Couldn't sleep, as usual. Tossing and turning... Then saw it all.. my past year or so just decided to play its video back in my brain... Iyah.. breaking up with her, the stupid crush at work, the small scuffle with Jason, then the outburst with Rozi, Farihin, small let-out with Zanna, Bob, chalet, KL trip, meeting Iyah's family at her home... the confessions... the good and bad memories of 2007... I could just close my teary eyes... the love songs on Class 95FM wasn't helping. Switched off the radio... make it stop... MAKE IT STOP... PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP... It finally did at 3 sumthing am... I was a wreck by that time.. Crying and sobbing... Asking myself.. What happened to me... Where was the Zaki that everyone liked, everyone loved, everyone can depend on... Is it wrong for me to wise up and tell myself "Hey, don't let others use you and when they are done with you, they throw you away".. Is it also wrong for me to realise that "Heh, the line is there, I draw it, overlap it with fence and turrets. You cross, you are on your own" ... Sobbed myself to sleep...
Really pathetic... The afternoon's high tea's small conversation with Sharon was still ringing in my ears...
Sharon : So, what will the next team activity be ?
(Zaki looks away, catching the drift. remembering Chalet 2007...)
Freddie : Oh, the team dinner will be next. Also, the D&D later this year...
Sharon, with a friendly smile : Oh.. okay, that's good. (glanced at me with a smile before nodding head)
(Zaki still looking away, managed a wry smile)
What is happening to me...
Zaki van Persie